A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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