I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
