just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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