ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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