Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
