I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
