What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
