I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
