If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
