I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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