I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In other news, I just burned my penis
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
