So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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