fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
