I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
