who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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