So drunk its hurt
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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