im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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