Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
