Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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