I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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