According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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