Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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