Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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