like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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