Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
