rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
