So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
