she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
you had me at cake vodka
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
