woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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