Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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