i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
