Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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