I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
