Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
My life is pants optional.
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