I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
