My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
