3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
