I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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