Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
