I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
