my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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