can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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