Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
