Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
