why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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