Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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