I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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