she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
