Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize