So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize