Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
