I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My ass is underappreciated
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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