This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
