So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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