Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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