@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
