im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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