So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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