I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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