i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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